Sometimes, when you are a child of God, you ask for wisdom and you don't think you are being heard. In the moment, despite the history of God's intimate workings with His people, despite the evidence you hold in your hand, you think that somehow you are the exception, the forgotten child, the one the promises don't apply to.
It's a lie.
God loves every one of His children so much that He knows every hair on our heads. He calls the stars by name and knows when a sparrow falls. He knows every cry of our hearts. There is not one thing that will ever happen to you in all your years that He is not aware of, in control of, able to use and direct.
I forgot that. Or else, I knew it in my head, but I didn't truly know it in my heart.
God reminded me this week that I am His and in Him and in Him only, redemption is found. We still have to deal with the consequences of our choices, but He forgives.
Though my intentions were not sinful, I let work take up far, far too much of my emotional and physical energy. I was trying to be all things to all people and not being wise.
If you've ever owned a cat, you know what it is like to open the door with your foot out to keep it from coming in the house. Metaphorically, I opened the door a fraction of an inch, intending to keep my foot on the cat and shut the door quickly, and instead a grizzly bear shoved its way in. I shouldn't have opened the door. When I took on more responsibility at work, it snowballed out of control more quickly than I could have imagined. It took being physically present while the bank seized and secured all assets of the business to bring me to a halt. It took my husband vomiting continually with the most severe head pain of his life and thinking he might die of a hemorrhage to bring me to a halt. It took depression and illness and back pain and me getting sicker and sicker until I had to concede that I had no control, not over anything or anyone, to bring me to a halt.
Praise God that I learned my lesson and it didn't take the death of someone I love to teach me. Praise God that I am able to redeem my relationships with the people I love. Praise God that I have a husband who stands by me no matter what bad decisions I make. Praise God I have my mother and father who let their own lives and duties fall to the wayside to help me clean up my mess. Praise God for my husband's good job, his health insurance, his willingness to work as hard as humanly possible for his family. Praise God for medicine and money and the luxury of recuperating in my king-sized bed with meals made by my best friend. Praise God for my baby celebrating her birthday and my girls having so many people who love them they don't even notice that I am gone. Praise God.