Sunday, April 19, 2009
My baby girl
I took Frankie to preschool on Friday. We are in the middle of checking out different preschools and West Shore Lutheran had an open house where the parents could come and the kids could come, too, and participate in the program. Picking a preschool is beginning to feel like Sophie's choice to me.
I am so ambivalent about sending Frankie at all since she is quite content to stay at home with me. I know, I know, she needs socialization, but really, do I want her socialized by other children? Wouldn't it be easier to put her in a cage with some large carnivorous animals and be done with it?
I feel constantly torn between wanting to nurture her independence and wanting to curl up in the fetal position with her and prevent life from putting any demands on her whatsoever. I do want her to know that she is loved by God and is never out of His sight or care, even when she is out of mine. But I also want her to know that no one loves her like her mommy does and I would rather set myself on fire than see her hurt. My friend Cam says that one of the big points of school is to teach children that not everyone loves you like mommy loves you. But does Frankie really need to learn that now? Doesn't she have the next, Lord willing, several decades to find out that not only does no one love you the way mommy loves you, but some people don't even like you at all?
I know I am being dramatic. It is preschool after all and not a military excursion to Myanmar. But she gets so nervous in groups and clings to me and whispers that she wants to go home right when all the other children are whooping with joyous exuberance because it's snack time. This is such a contrast to her home personality, which is to announce to the neighbor boy that she will tell him "EXACTLY what to do and you will do it, all right Elliott?"
I think it all boils down to this: Yesterday, I picked Frankie up and said "You are getting so big pretty soon I won't be able to carry you anymore." She looked at me and said "Well, you better do it a lot then."
This growing up stuff is hard.